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How to speak n00b - Episode 01: Introduction

Hello, fellow adventurers. During your many travels through our beautiful land of Vana'diel, you may come across a very special and unique creature: the n00b.

The n00b is a remarkable creature as it disguises itself as a regular citizen of Vana'diel. This is the n00b's primary form of attack as it will allow the wily n00b to get quite close to you before inflicting damage. Luckily, their disguises are usually poor and can be identified as their armor may be several levels out of date. Also, the n00b disguise is based on a sad misunderstanding our common culture as their equipment may not reflect the job they are trying to portray.

Be careful not to confuse a n00b with a similar species known as the newb. Newbs can be distinguished from n00bs by their use of proper grammar and good manners.

A n00b can be identified by it's distinct call. This call can be heard from quite a distance as most n00bs seem to only communicate through /shout. If you listen carefully, you may be fortunate enough to spot a n00b.

Here are some examples of common n00b calls:
"PLZ can i hav sum gilz!!!"
"Sum1 buy my sword!!!"
"Ne girlz wanna ciber?!!"

Now, once you have identified a n00b, I must recommend that you stay as far away as possible. Unless you have a great deal of experience with n00bs, any interaction may be harmful to both your physical and mental well being.

If, however, you choose to interact with a n00b, this simple translation guide may help you. Here is a look at a simple conversation with a n00b including a n00b to english translation.
You>> Hello there. How are you?
N00b>> wow u r rich. Can I have gilz? (english: I notice that you have nice gear and wonder if you might be able to aid me in acquiring my own gear)
You>> No, no, good sir. I worked for my gil. You may not have it.
N00b>> but you gotz lotz!!! (english: I understand your feelings on the matter, but find it difficult to actually acquire my own gil)
You>> I know, but I cannot just give you money.
N00b>> N00B!!! (english: apparently I am confused and think you may be a member of my species. Do you know Fred?)
You>> I apologize for the misunderstanding. I am not a n00b.
N00b>> STFU!!! (english: I am of a differing opinion and feel that it might be best if we agree to disagree)

As you can see from the above conversation, interspecies communication with a n00b can prove highly difficult.

In all interactions with a n00b, please take care to leave the n00b as you found it. Their social structure is quite fragile and any assistance you may provide may raise them to a new and dangerous level: the ferocious asshat.

Thank you for your time. Remember: have your n00bs spayed or neutered.


Updated 2008-09-27 20:24:01