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How to speak n00b - Episode 03: Understanding the n00b

As many of you may understand, it can be quite frustrating to find, communicate with and eventually train a n00b. Looking on such a pitiful creature, it is quite common to take a more philanthropic approach to interaction and attempt to work with a n00b that they might find a place in society.

This is bad.

One of the key characteristics of the n00b species is their complete inability to learn new ideas. Imagine the old phrase "You can't teach an old dog new tricks", but replace the dog with a brick or cheese sandwich. The n00b will instinctively resist all form of advice of help despite any detriment this may cause.

N00bs will also react violently to any and all interaction. This is actually a defense mechanism that allows them to remain unscathed by such weapons as education and basic logic.

Once you understand that the n00b language has a naturally high, angry tone, one can translate phrases into a more basic or sane context. Observe.
N00bish: STFU 4ear my 1337 ski11z!!11one!eleven
English: I may act tough, but on the inside I'm crying like a little girl. Can I have a hug?
N00bish: dis game sux0rz!!!
English: I have come up against a challenge and rather than work harder, I have decided to devote myself to my true passion: Interpretive dance.

Though the natural n00b language can sound quite fearful and aggressive, this tone can disguise the true intent of the words spoken.

If you would like to speak to a n00b, I suggest that you do so with great caution. Any interaction can cause interesting side effects. You can actually save yourself the time by simply inserting your fingers through your eye and swirling them around in your brain.

In closing, my suggestion as a trained n00b handler would be to observe the n00b in their natural habitat, but to remain at a safe distance.


Updated 2008-09-27 20:24:22