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How to speak n00b - Episode 05: The N00b as a Pet

Some of you intrepid adventurers may feel the desire to take a n00b as a pet. Something you can train and fashion into a companion. The n00b offers an interesting challenge in this respect, but one that can be undertaken.

Note: Do not confuse the word "can" with the word "should".

Because the n00b is born in the wild, they will instinctively resist all forms of behavior modification. Suggestions like "that will get you killed" and "level your sub, n00b" will go unheeded. A resourceful adventurer can train a n00b, but only with a great deal of work.

Step 1) Catching your own n00b
This is actually rather easy. Offer the n00b some gil or a free piece of equipment (making sure it is severely below their level and of no real use so that the n00b will want it). Once this is completed, you now have your very own n00b.

They will follow you wherever you go. They will send you tells asking for "more gilz" or help with something called a Kwest. This can actually be likened to our own Quests, but differ as the n00b will have no idea where to go, what to do, and will not have the proper items required.

Congratulations, you now have your own n00b. Whether you like it or not.

Step 2) Teaching your own n00b
This part of our procedure is quite frustrating, though sometimes amusing. You can teach your n00b the basic strategies used by actual players through a strict plan of letting them die. A lot.

You then offer them some advice and after they ignore it and die some more, they may slowly come around and accept basic thoughts.

It is important to remember though that a n00b is a n00b. You must force this information on them and they will still act stupidly. Very stupidly.

Step 3) Housebreaking you n00b
This portion of the process is often were most n00b owners break down and end up flushing their pet down the nearest toilet.

In order to speak with your new pet, you may want to offer them a place in your linkshell. This, however, can be disastrous as n00bs are frightened of smarter people and may react violently.

Let us look at a common new pet- linkshell exchange shall we.
(Player1) Everyone meet my new pet… err… friend, n00b.
(n00b) h3110
(Player2) What the hell was that?
(Player3) Ummm… Hi, I guess.
(Player1) Give him a chance guys.
(n00b) h3110
(n00b) h3110
(Player3) Could you please stop that?
(n00b) STFU N00b!!11one!
(Player1) NO! Bad n00b! BAD!

As you can see, the n00b does not work well with others and is prone to angry outbursts. For the safety of yourself and your linkshell, I suggest you avoid taking a n00b as a pet.

Remember: n00bs may be cute and mildly amusing, but in the long run, they're more trouble than they're worth.


Updated 2008-09-27 20:24:45