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How to speak n00b - Episode 06: N00b Migration

One of the most interesting characteristics of the n00b species is their attention span. Or lack thereof. A n00b will actually lose interest in any event for any of the following reasons:

1) they do not get excessive amounts of gil/exp in minimal time
2) they are not responsible for ruining someone's day
3) they saw something shiny

Truly, each member of the n00b species has an attention span rivaling that of the common mosquito. Because of this, n00bs will often migrate from one game area to another long before they should. Far more dangerous though, is their tendency to move into other online areas.

The worst example of the n00b species is the "Forum N00b." Forums exist as a means of global communication, discussion, and support. People use them to assist one another in our lives as adventurers.

N00bs, however, often find their way into these forums and, rather than actually help, will go out of their way to make trouble. This again is due mostly to translation difficulties between the n00b language and english.

Let's look at some examples.
N00b>> how do i getz lotz of gilz fast? I want 2 no how 2 make 5 jillion gil in 3 minutes or less. (english: rather than actually take the time to work hard and earn my gil over an appropriate time period, I will assume that someone must have a secret source of funds and that they will share it with me just because I asked)

N00b>> u dont need sniperz! I iz lvl 5 drk and i hit jus fine. (english: I do not understand the actual issue being discussed, but rather than research, I will base my own "expert" advice on my overly abundant experience)

N00b>> Funny how people are rating this dude up, simply because he has Guru status. The threads subject is old and has been beaten to death. (english: my sense of humor was lost in a horrible, yet tragically ironic farming accident. I, therefore, stab angrily at anyone who is considered funny because their own success makes me feel inferior. Because I am unable to put an issue in my own creative, humorous slant, I must assume that noone else can ever be funny. Won't someone please hold me?)

As you can see, in each instance, the n00b brings no useful information or thought to any discussion. They are more a waste of time and space.

In the end, looking upon the distruction caused by n00b migratory habits, one must wonder why they even bother. One must wonder why they take time out of their busy day of listening to bad emo music and trying to convince themselves that they're really cool, to access a worldwide network that makes their deficiencies readily apparent.

Do the humane thing. If you meet a n00b, hold them under water until they stop kicking. The world will thank you.


Updated 2008-09-27 20:24:54