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How to speak n00b - Episode 09: The n00b's abilities

Now you may ask yourself how such a useless, destructive creature as the n00b can continue to survive. You are probably asking yourself this because you want them to die.

That's normal.

You may also be asking youself are there any special abilities that the n00b possesses that we should be aware of?

You talk to yourself a lot, you know.

Anyway, our research team has spent excessive amounts of time observing the n00b species in their natural habitat and have recorded a lengthy list of n00b abilities.

Passive Traits

Level 1 - Conserve letters I
- this ability causes the n00b to use as few letters as possible while trying to communicate (ex. ur, u, sum)
- may be accompanied by excessive drooling

Level 5 - Lack of subtle blow
- this causes the n00b to speak at both great length and great volume about obviously offensive topics

Level 10 - Resist Logic
- this ability enables the n00b to resist any form of coherent thought and instead rely on their own instincts (ie. stupidity)

Level 18 - Lack of Sub
- n00bs will often continue on beyond what is expected of them without a subjob, therefore hindering their ability to do their job

Level 20 - Lack of Sub II
- n00bs will still try to continue on without a subjob despite people yelling at them and pointing out the stupidity of it

Level 30 - Whine
- at this point, n00bs will start whining incessantly for help to do an advance job quest. They will have no idea what to do or where to go and may have to be carried.

Level 30 - Resist Logic II
- now equipped with an advance job, n00bs will become convinced of their own "uberness", and refuse to accept any advice.


Active Abilities

Level 1 (2 hour) - Extreme Annoyance
- when used, this ability causes any player in the surrounding area to become extremely frustrated and want to quit
- this ability is used automatically when the timer reaches zero
- this ability lasts 2 hours

Level 10 - Party Wipe
- when used, this ability causes the n00b to do something so incredibly stupid that God decides multiple people need to die for it
- this ability has no recast timer

Level 20 - Aggro
- when used, the n00b will instantly aggro everything in the area and then bring it to camp
- this is actually an interesting ability as party members can wager on what horribly grisly death is being brought to them

Level 25 - Flee (from responsibility)
- this ability causes the n00b to deny all accusations of misconduct or stupidity
- often followed by "LEEEEEEEEEERRRROOOOOYYYYYY JENKINS!"

Level 40 - Convert
- unlike the RDM convert, this ability allows the n00b to convert a perfectly simple task into multiple frustrations and multiple deaths

As you can see, the n00b ability list is extensive. Sadly, the list is also easy to navigate, so n00bs have little difficulty using this ability. Seriosuly, these guys can't tie their own shoes without a manual and yet they can wipe out an alliance quite easily.

Now, while many of these abilities may sound useful or interesting, it is important to note that these abilities actually override the regular abilities of any job class. But hey, who needs Provoke when you're a Paladin anyway?

Please, observe the n00b from a distance. All abilities are AoE and can affect people within a large radius.

Note: No n00bs were hurt during this study. We killed them. All of them. Then we burned the bodies and salted the earth. Then we burned the earth. A lot.


Updated 2008-09-27 20:25:29