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How to speak n00b - Episode 10: N00b : Flu :: Asshat : Ebola Virus

Our research vessel is once again laid just off the coast of the Qufim Islands. I have spent a great deal of time here, studying the natural evolution of the n00b species.

I happened across these islands on one of my first voyages as an adventurer. As my companions sat mystified by an enormous tower seemingly built from bone, I found myself drawn to a species of animal I had only heard about: the n00b.

It was here, as I spent several weeks toiling away, that I first started to formulate my theories on the n00b. I saw how each one had evolved specific traits that were unique to its environment and genetics.

It was also here that I formulated my ultimate hypothesis: the theory of n00b selection (or survival of the dumbest).

As n00bs progress, their natural inabilities will make it harder and harder for them to survive. Hell, half of them probably need to be reminded to breathe. Rather than die off though, most n00bs will develop traits that enable them to adapt to their environment.

The Screamer is a personal favourite of mine. This variation of the n00b is often mocked for its odd plumage and ineffectiveness. Many real players would take this as a sign that a change is needed, but the Screamer will go immediately on the defensive.

Player1>> You know, you really shouldn't be wearing starting RSE in Qufim.
N00b /sh STFU mi gear iz 1337
(Translation: I humbly disagree. Besides, these pants look nice on me)

This is a natural defense mechanism that has evolved through over 9 centuries of development. It is also quite effective in this respect because noone would ever want to go near this person ever again.

Unfortunately, evolution sometimes causes the development of a new species. In the case of the n00b, natural evolution amongst a particular subgroup resulted in the evolution of a highly aggressive, highly dangerous new animal:

The Asshat

Though we are unable to determine why, members of this species actually take pleasure in causing discomfort or injury to others.

Recent CT scans have indicated that this behavior may be caused by unique brain development. Where most people would have the logic centers of the brain that dictate right from wrong, the Asshat has only a swirling vortex of stupidity.

Because of this, any event that would cause the normal logic centers to be activated instead results in mindless aggression.

Also, there is a high tendency toward Tourette's syndrome, as these people seem unable to control their own mouths. This is so rampant that swearing has become a major part of the Asshat language.

Here we see a common Asshat dialogue:
Asshat1>> WTF? (Translation: Something is wrong)
Asshat2>> WTH? (Translation: Are you okay?)
Asshat1>> #$^&in RDM wont Refresh me
Asshat2>> y teh #$^& not? (Translation: Did they perhaps explain why?)
Asshat1>> he #$^&in says cuz i'm a #$^&in THF (Translation: I was dropped as a child. A lot. I mean a whole lot.)
Asshat2>> #$^& dat #$^&in #$^&er n da @*&!

As you can see, these words are an integral part of their communication and are often accompanied by hand gestures.

We are unsure what the hand gestures mean, but apparently the number one is also of great importance in their discussions.

The Asshat should be avoided at all costs, but this can sometimes be difficult. Members of this species thrive on attention and will go out of their way to get it. This often results in them attacking entire groups just so they can be the focus of attention.

It's quite sad really.

Where the n00b is annoying by nature, the Asshat makes a practice of disrupting the world around it. In order to save our world from further stupidity, please do not feed the Asshats.


Updated 2008-09-27 20:25:42